I feel this is something we all struggle with. In fact, I mentioned it in my very first blog post where I talked about why time alone doesn’t heal all wounds.
That first post included five parts of healing I have identified on my own journey. One of the parts, of course, is forgiving the person that left you wounded. I understand that this sounds great in theory, but often we get stuck with what that actually means or how exactly to do that.
Have you ever heard someone say something like “I just don’t feel it. I’ll forgive them when I feel it.” The truth is, if forgiving someone were solely dependent on when you felt like it, it would never get done. This is because the problem is that forgiveness goes against our very nature. Naturally, there is nothing in us that wants to forgive. Especially if it hurt so deeply.
This is why it has to be a conscious choice. And no, it’s not at all for the sake of the person who hurt you. You do them no favors by forgiving them. It’s completely and entirely for yourself. You and only you. Just in case you didn’t catch that the first few times, it’s just for you.
It’s tough to believe that forgiving them will help you. But harboring bad feelings and negativity does nothing but tear you apart on the inside. I’ve definitely felt that before, and I'm sure you might have also.
So What Happens After I forgive them?
First of all, we have this perception that once we forgive someone, they have access back into our lives. But honey, no. You are entitled to set any boundaries that are good for you. If having a person or people active in your life will not be good for you, then keep them at a distance.
Here, you come first.
Secondly, you are allowed to not trust them again. Trust takes years to build, but moments to break, and if the trust has been broken, it’s okay. Everything does not have to go back to normal again. Not unless you decide you are willing and ready for that.
Okay, But How?
“Forgive them.” Great. But how? Let me tell you this: You are not going to want to, but it is a choice that must be made even despite the fact that your heart doesn’t feel it.
With that said, let me introduce you to something I came across this week that completely opened my eyes about this. I watched a video by author and speaker, Ty Gibson called I forgive you, but I don’t trust you.
Ty says that there are three questions to ask yourself to know if you actually have forgiven somebody. He asks them as follows:
1. Do you hate what they did to you?
2. Do you wish that they would see how deeply this hurt you and how ugly a thing it is to the point that they would repent of it and never ever do it to you or anyone else again?
3. Having seen it for what is and so deeply repented for it that they would never do that kind of thing ever again to another being, do you wish that in that transformed state - a whole different kind of person that is incapable of that kind of thing - that they would live in the peace of God’s presence, a completely new creature incapable of such things?
In Ty's words, if you can answer “yes” to these three questions, then you have in fact forgiven the person.
This is not a one size fits all kind of a solution, but I hope at the very least it gives you a chance to think about this for yourself and consider what forgiveness looks like to you.
As for me, for a long time, I've struggled with knowing if I’ve actually forgiven someone. Rightfully so, it's confusing. It's like balancing the fact that maybe you don't want to forgive them, with the fact that you know you should, so you try, but then you're still left being confused about if you actually have forgiven them or if you are even able to after what they did to you.
Thank you for reading. I hope this opened your eyes like it did mine. Forgiveness is no easy thing. I get it. And you are not required to do it overnight, but if you can, please don't leave it so long to the point where it hurts you more. Check out the five parts of healing from my first post. Also, watch Ty's full video here.
Broken to Beautiful. Where Your Pain Becomes Your Power.