We often hear people say “time heals all wounds.” Unfortunately, that is not true, not for emotional wounds at least. There are a few parts to finding true healing (which I will get to in a second).
This past May marked 20 years since I lost my father. Over the years, I would get frustrated with myself because for some reason no matter how much time passed, I felt like I wasn’t getting over losing him.
My mistake is that I thought getting over it is what would make everything better. The problem is that deep hurt like this is not something you merely “get over,” even with time. It simply doesn’t work that way.
On the other hand, that also doesn’t mean there isn’t hope. Healing is in reach, but time alone won’t do it. Shoving emotions and hurts under the rug (which I have done before) will only lead to more hurt and suppressed feelings in the long term. This bottling up of emotions becomes toxic, not only for yourself but for the relationships around you.
Intentionality is key... Always
Can you recall that intense burning sensation you feel at the back of your throat every time you're overwhelmed with sadness? What about very soon after, when your chest gets heavy and every part of you wants to fight back the tears you feel coming and run away from the emotion? This is where intentionality comes in.
We will only ever heal when we stop running away from feeling our emotions and choose to walk through the pain. This brings me to the five parts of healing I have learned:
1. Stop and acknowledge how you really feel
Pay attention when you suddenly well up with emotion.
2. Do the work
In other words, work through the pain by allowing yourself to feel it all, no matter how uncomfortable or so-called weak you may feel doing it.
Remember that crying is okay. Contrary to what society says, crying does not mean you are weak. It means you are strong. Strong enough to do the work so you can live your most fulfilling life. This work could be journaling, talking with someone you trust, going to therapy, praying, or getting out into nature (all of which I have done and still continue to do).
3. Forgive yourself
This seems odd since you might be the victim, but maybe when you think about your reactions to others, you may feel guilty too. Maybe it's that you wished you had known better or handled something better. Forgive yourself. It's in the past. All that's necessary is that you take one day at a time and be gracious with yourself.
4. Forgive the people who hurt you
This may be one of the most difficult things you will ever have to do, but that is because it's worth it. Unforgiveness we hold inside, believe it or not, has no effect on the person who hurt us. I’ve learned all it does is make you bitter and stagnant in your own growth and enjoyment of life. It also literally harms your body physically. Look it up if you don't belive me. A Practical Way to Forgiveness
5. Make the decision to live your happiest life
That is what you deserve. Yes, there will be moments where emotions from the past still come up, but that does not mean anything is wrong with you. It simply means that you have something that still needs your attention, and that is a good thing. It means you still have room to grow. We are ever-changing beings, so the work we put in will be ever-changing also. And that will lead to ever-increasing rewards.
Remember that healing takes time, but also intentionality. When you do the work, you will reap benefits, and freedom you have never known to be possible.
You are strong, courageous, priceless, and completely deserving of your fullest life.
I wish you luck on your journey.
Broken to Beautiful. Where Your Pain Becomes Your Power.