I found myself sinking into a pool of sadness as I wallowed in the pain that haunted my subconscious for more than two decades. I had just turned 21 and it had never hit me that hard before.
I had always just gone on with life, paying little attention until those occasional “daddy moments,” as I like to call them, showed up. I’d see a toddler playing with her dad or a young woman in the arms of her father, and it would crush everything inside of me. I say it is the past tense as if it doesn’t still happen…
It gets easier, but never fully dissipates. I remember one day, in particular, I sat beside my friend as we talked on the phone with her dad who sees me as a daughter. For the first time, I saw the Caller ID was saved as “daddy,” which in my culture is a sweet and endearing term for dad, and exactly what I would call my dad if he were here. The instant I saw that it completely messed me up because I will never be able to call the man whose love and DNA run through my veins.
I say all this to say that although my dad passed away when I was 18 months old, even after a couple of decades, I was still not okay. It took a long time to understand. I never processed losing him. I wasn’t old enough to process anything when he died. It only hit me later. In fact, it hit me the hardest on my 21st birthday. All I wanted on that day was to hear him tell me he’s proud of the woman I’m becoming, he loves me, and that everything’s gonna be okay.
"All I wanted on that day was to hear him tell me he’s proud of the woman I’m becoming, he loves me, and that everything’s gonna be okay."
Often, I would get frustrated at myself because, despite the fact that it had been 20 years, it still felt like it was just yesterday that an unmoved policeman stood on our doorstep and told us something that would forever change the trajectory of our lives.
Why We May Not Realize There is Room for Healing
Distractions are what keep us from healing. For me, it was having a stepfather that brought enough other struggles that I never really paid attention to the void I had from losing my own dad. It was not until I moved away from home that I had the mental clarity to realize, never mind process my hurt. This is a perfect example of how healing can be delayed without you even realizing it.
The mistake I made was beating myself up about why it still felt like he died yesterday. Losing someone hurts. And while it slowly gets easier, it usually doesn’t go away.
That being said, you may be beating yourself up about something right now, but be patient with yourself. Regardless of what it is, perhaps you just need a little bit of clarity and intentionality to process everything that’s going on.
Good things take time. Whatever it is that you are dealing with, treat yourself with the same kindness you would treat someone you loved who was dealing with the same thing.
With this post, I simply wanted to get this conversation started. Real people. Real feelings. Feel free to comment below, or contact me if anything resonated with you. Thank you for your support. As always, you're a gem!
Broken to Beautiful. Where Your Pain Becomes Your Power.