Everyone’s body is different, so are their lifestyles, and so are their stories...
There are four things you should know for context... First, I have always been active, so it would be difficult to notice if I was ever overdoing it.
Second, I come from a culture where the older generation equates beauty with looking 'healthy,' not skinny. Family members would sometimes pull you aside, grab your face or pinch your cheeks, and tell you "you are looking thin in the face" or "you’re looking nice and round, " implying you look healthy. For some reason, "nice and round" never sat well with me.
Third, I naturally ate differently. In fact, I was the child who asked for steamed veggies, baked chicken breasts and didn't like cheese. Quite odd, but that was me.
That being said, after learning about all the health benefits (of which many exist), nothing was out of the ordinary when I became vegan.
Truthfully, becoming vegan was never about my weight, it was just a health preference. And of course, all the pros just made it easier to make the switch.
The problem is that I was dealing with a lot at the time. It was quite literally the darkest time in my life. And during it, I subconsciously developed this fear of becoming fat.
Naturally, I started making excuses for not eating (which I believed were legitimate). I would say things like: I don’t feel like it, I’m tired, I don’t mind cooking for anybody else, but I just don’t see the need if it’s just for me. Or, the best one, "oh I forgot."
There were times I would go to bed hungry simply because I talked myself out of going to the kitchen. It sounds odd now, but I would truly say to myself “why do I need to eat?,” as if I didn't need it to stay alive.
Anyway, I seemed healthy. I thought I was healthy, but the problem was that for the intensity of my workouts, I required abundantly more food than I was eating.
It wasn’t that I was eating then purging (even though I may have considered that once or twice). I just wasn’t eating.
Culture Messed With Me
Referring back to that cultural phrase, it's interesting to note that when I was on video calls with people back home and they said "you're looking thin in the face," it subconsciously encouraged what I was doing because I never liked the sound of the opposite. This is scary because it goes to show what a negative impact the words of others can have on you, even if they are well-meaning.
There was a day my workout was running the block in under 5 minutes, which I did, and I was excited about that. But I also felt disgusting after it. It was fairly warm that day, so I thought it was the heat that got to me.
Once I got back inside, I sat down to drink some water, but instantaneously knew it wouldn’t stay down. I could barely carry myself to the bathroom as I threw up and found myself sitting on the bathroom floor ready to throw up again.
I realized I was probably not as healthy as I thought, and that was a slap in my face. That day, it wasn't really the heat that messed with me, it was that I pushed my body on zero fuel.
What Happened to My Body
I’m no doctor, and of course, I’m not saying these things are solely due to nutrient depletion, but below are the things I noticed happen:
There were a few other things I experienced also. These include feeling hungry to the point of forgetting about the hunger, unusually lighter periods, excuses for not eating, weight loss I didn’t realize was happening, sharp pains shooting down the bones of my lower limbs (this was stressful because I had no idea why it was happening), and looking at my body in the mirror more than what’s probably considered normal.
I don’t know where you are on the journey to loving your body. I want you to know that both females AND males (*worth a read*) of all different shapes and sizes experience body image struggles at least once in their lifetime. There is no shame in it, it simply means you are human.
If you’re struggling with an eating disorder or even think you might have one, but you’re not quite sure, please don’t keep it to yourself. Things are usually more difficult when you’re stuck with only your own thoughts, so get them out.
Just because someone looks healthy or skinny, does not mean they are, so please don’t compare your body to someone’s skinny but unhealthy reality. It’s not fair to you.
You deserve to live your healthiest life. And you are probably drop-dead gorgeous anyway, you just don’t realize it.
Lastly, I'm not knocking being vegan, I completely support it. Just know that any good decision you make about food can still either be from a good or bad place, so make sure you do it for a healthy reason.
One day, my therapist asked me “how do you look at your back?” I mulled the question over for a bit. Confused, I answered, “by turning in the mirror.” She nodded and said: “ahh, you know turning your head to look back at the mirror just distorts the image, right?”
If this post was helpful for you, please share the link to help someone else. If you're struggling with loving your body, please read this: The Body Image Struggle.
Broken to Beautiful. Where Your Pain Becomes Your Power.