Once I realized I was dealing with something like an eating disorder, I had a difficult time accepting it as that. It felt like I had some gigantic problem when I thought about it in those words. And for good reason too; society labels any “disorder” as something permanent and unfixable.
That being said, the word “disorder” made me feel like I had less power over it. Something that helped was thinking of it as a bad relationship with food rather than some disorder that would never go away. This meant that at least with the right tools, my relationship with food could be good again.
If you fall into the category of someone with a bad relationship with food, rephrase it for yourself. This helps to realize that you have control over it even when it feels like you don’t.
How I Got Back on Track
I took both eating and working out week by week. I had grown used to eating whenever and however few times I could in a day, so I needed to find the will to eat again.
Rather than forcing myself to eat tons of food I had no desire to, I ate something… anything, no matter how small, just to get into the habit of eating again.
The goal was to do this six times each day, but it was a huge struggle. Imagine knowing your body was hungry, but physically not being able to bring food up to your mouth because it would make you nauseous, never mind swallowing it. There were days I would hopelessly stare at the smallest bowl of food, with tears in my eyes because I just couldn't eat.
Week 1
I felt physically weak and even mentally fatigued so I chose to hold off working out (needless to say, that week felt way too long). The good thing is that I slowly began to feel like I had more energy because I wasn't expending it. I was also sleeping at least 8 hours a night.
Week 2
I was encouraged to eat at least four times a day but making sure every time I ate it was worth 500 calories.
I can’t say that this was easy either. 500 calories is a lot when you're used to only eating a 100. It seemed difficult to get up to that number each time. I only got it down (sort of) by day five of week 2, but I was still not eating everything on my plate.
I would try to keep snacking on a plate until it was all gone. As for working out during this week, I went on to do only light calisthenics (bodyweight workouts). This was so I could mentally feel like I was working out while still giving my body a chance to soak up some nutrients and gently gain back some strength. This week, I began to feel a little more like myself. And my mood improved drastically.
It Was a Struggle
What you just read is actually what I wrote in the midst of those two weeks, so it’s been a few months since the peak. At the time, one of the biggest frustrations was working out, but still losing muscle. What happened was because my body wasn't getting fuel, it used its own muscle to fuel itself… Not a pretty picture to think about.
Over the first 3-5 months, my weight fluctuated like crazy because as soon as I would get better at eating more, I would regress faster than I could make progress. This meant that any bit of healthy weight I gained, I just kept losing. This cycle went on and on.
Where I am Now
My only goal right now is to keep eating so I can support my body with the nutrients it needs. In doing so, I have gained back the muscle I lost (and even added some more...exciting).
I no longer struggle to find the desire to eat. And my body can actually recognize when it's hungry again.
I definitely still have days where I make some poor decisions or stay too busy to make a meal, but those are becoming more rare.
We don't all struggle with the same thing. In fact, your struggle might be the direct opposite of mine but remember very few things can stop you when you're intentional.
Takeaways:
Rephrase how you think of your struggle with food if you have one.
Start somewhere… anywhere (snacks will do too) and try to gently progress.
Listen to your body. If you need a workout break, take one. You’ll find more strength after the break than if you just continue. Promise.
Remind yourself that you are capable.
Be intentional.
Thank you for sticking with me for this post. I appreciate your support and I hope nothing more than for you to have found some value in it. Share this post if you did. We don't talk enough about the things we struggle with. The goal is to change that. Thank you in advance. You are an absolute gem!
Broken to Beautiful You. Where Your Pain Becomes Your Power.